Connection to others helps us thrive. Companionship is shown to help us recover more quickly from illness, injury, and trauma. Knowing you have a support system in place to catch you if you fall allows people to take bigger leaps of faith and aim for higher goals. In our close relationships, we want to know that we are safe, that we won’t be abandoned, and that we are seen and accepted authentically. These are valid adult needs that relationships can enable us to meet.
Yet still, many of us feel guilty, wrong, or weak about asking for what we need to strengthen these bonds of connection. We are taught that independence is a virtue to aspire to and that codependence with others is a weakness or a sign of dysfunction. We lose sight of the reality that a true mark of healthy relationships is a shared dependency on one another. In this sense, isolation is not strength. Knowing yourself well enough is independence in its own right. Surely, you can go it alone, but at what cost? What are you sacrificing in the process?
Instead of questioning whether our needs are valid and pushing ourselves to survive without support, let’s permit ourselves to ask for help. It takes self-awareness to do this, it takes work, and it takes a strength of character to assertively accept that we need others to help us shoulder burdens in life. Give others the chance to support you in ways that you uniquely need support. When we allow ourselves to feel supported, the bonds of our relationships are deepened. Let’s work to normalize dependency in relationships by asking for what we need. Let’s build relationships that give back to us what we put in.
Support in relationships can take on a variety of forms depending on what you need at the time. First, work on clearing space in your mind to figure out how you’re feeling and what you need. You can try quieting the noise around you by taking a break from screens, journaling, or meditating to check in with yourself. Then you can figure out whether what you need more of to feel safe, secure, and supported in your relationships. Support may mean asking someone for acts of service, physical affection or closeness, quality time, emotional support for issues you’re experiencing, or whatever feels right to you.
Asking for support in relationships can look like this:
I’m having a problem with ____, can you help me talk through it?
When I feel this way, I need ____.
I’m feeling overwhelmed, can you help me do ____?
I feel connected to you when ____.
For additional support or more tips on asking for help, give counseling a try. Counseling with a trusted, compassionate therapist can help you build stronger connections with others and deepen your support system. Asserting your need for support will pay off in a big way.
